This month we will be talking all about baby and everything that goes along with it. First, I want to thank the wonderful Kelsey and her husband Dustin for being so willing to share their story with the world. I wanted to focus this post on infertility and portray the feelings and emotions that couples have to endure and the pain and heartache that goes with it. I’ll be honest, I don’t know a lot about this subject, but I know that it’s becoming more and more common. I want those that are going through something like this to know they aren’t alone, there are others that are facing infertility as well. I also posted this in hopes that people who haven’t gone through this, will have a better understanding about it and won’t be so quick to judge why people around them are delaying starting a family or why they aren’t having more children. This post is about my husbands brother and sister-in-laws truly inspiring story of how they faced infertility and how it made them stronger people and forever changed them.
When Alison first asked me to write a guest post on my infertility issues, I was actually really excited. Ever since I had been going through these experiences, I wanted to share with others what my emotions were because as I was going through it, I found comfort in reading what others were feeling as well. My only problem was I did not have a platform to share my thoughts. So, I am very grateful to Alison for sharing her blog with me today!
Every little girl dreams of growing up and becoming a mother. And, as it should be, a little girl doesn’t think about what if that never happens. I was one of those little girls. I couldn’t wait to get married and start having babies!
I was young when I got married, 19 to be exact. My husband and I were both in school and working so we decided we would wait a few years to start a family. Through different experiences, we soon found out, it wouldn’t be as easy as we had hoped to start a family. I am so grateful for my husband and his amazing strength and comfort that made me believe everything was going to be ok.
After about four years of marriage, we decided it was time we got serious about finding a solution so that we could start a family. We hadn’t been on birth control for three years and knew nothing was going to change if we didn’t start seeking out answers. After many doctors appointments, we found a solution that MIGHT work. After four years of thinking that nothing would ever change, I was very hopeful. But, this hopefulness also came with feelings of despair. Now that we were closer to starting a family, every month that it didn’t happen, became more and more devastating to me.
Once we started looking for answers, I felt so many tender mercies. I was reading the news one day and they had done an article on a doctor that specialized in the specific treatments that I needed. It took me a few months to be able to get in to see the doctor but when I did, I was forever changed. She assured me that things were going to be ok and really got me the help that I needed. She got me into other doctors that were able to help my specific needs and I will forever be grateful for that article.
There are so many different causes of infertility. So many that I don’t understand and so many that I ache for all those that have to go through them. Many people end up doing artificial insemination others, in vitro. My heart goes out to those that have to go through this. My husband and I were SO blessed that we were able to get pregnant without the help of any of these methods. We knew this was our next step if other options didn’t work. I am so grateful that we live in a modern world where these are options and so many people find such great success in them. But, no matter the circumstance, I feel like many of the emotions are the same for anyone facing infertility.
I remember coming across a blog during this time that has stuck with me ever since. The lady talked about all the emotions that come with each month of not being pregnant. Feeling like a disappointment. Watching dates pass thinking that if you had gotten pregnant in such and such month, you would be telling family, you would be this far along, etc. Feeling bitter every time someone mentioned that they were pregnant. Despising all of the teenage pregnancy shows and wondering how in the heck girls “accidentally” got pregnant. Hating the question “when are you two going to start a family?” and wanting to slap the person who asked that. Feeling silly every month you thought you were “nauseous” and that something was different this time. SO many emotions, and for me, these emotions just made me feel worse about myself.
Soon, friends and family started to figure out that we were struggling and in hindsight, this is one of the biggest blessings. The questions stopped and prayers were said in our behalf. I was able to have some wonderful conversations with people that if our friends and family hadn’t learned we were struggling, I would have never had. There are two distinct conversations that had a huge impact on my perspective that I would like to share.
The first conversation took place with a lady I haven’t known very long but in the short time I have known her, she has proven to be one of the sweetest ladies and so open and willing to share her emotions. She was telling me that her and her husband had their first child fairly early into their marriage. Thinking that they didn’t have any problems, they tried for another. This didn’t come easy at all. She was talking with a friend of hers who was also struggling with infertility and the friend said to her, you don’t know what it is like because you already have one child. She was a little caught off guard and ever since, didn’t feel like she could really talk to anyone about it, fearing they would have the same reaction. This stuck with me because after having gone through this myself, I can’t imagine saying that to someone. I think each woman who goes through ANY sort of infertility, whether it be a few months, or years, all experience the same emotions at some point. There is so much devastation and longing and depression that comes with not being able to have a child. This really opened my eyes to how I talk to people about this topic and how I react to others, whatever their situation may be.
The second conversation was with a dear friend of mine. At this time, I had found out I was pregnant but we weren’t ready to share it with anyone yet. She had called to talk to me because her and her husband were experiencing infertility and were ready to start treatments. We talked about the different emotions that we had both experienced and the emotions we felt our husbands had experienced. We talked about how hard it is as the woman in the relationship because you have a week long reminder that you aren’t pregnant where you tell your spouse, and they can (seemingly) easily shake it off. I was very hesitant to tell her I was pregnant because as I was going through this, I HATED hearing that someone was pregnant. But, it eventually came out and her true excitement has taught me a lot. I apologized to her saying I was so sorry that she had to go through this, sorry that I had told her, sorry about everything going on in her life. She said “you know what? I am sorry too, but, nowadays, I feel like every one of my friends is going through something like this and it’s not uncommon. So I don’t feel sorry for myself because I know it will all work out.” This was a true lesson to me. All throughout my experiences, I was feeling so sorry for myself and not realizing, their are others around me going through the same thing.
I hope as you read this, you will be able to recognize these emotions if you are going through this and that you will know that there are people out there going through the same thing. You don’t need to feel alone in it. Talk to people around you. It is getting more common than you think. Be willing to comment on blogs of others you read about because chances are if they have written about it, they are willing to talk about it. Know that it is OK to feel these emotions, its normal. Know that you are not alone.
Alison–thank you so much for letting me get my emotions out there. If you made it through this post, congratulations! It was long, but it really encompasses all that I have felt and been through lately. I hope that someone out there that reads this gains some amount of comfort in knowing they are not alone.
If any of you have questions, Kelsey would be more than happy to answer your questions. Let me know, and I can send you her contact information.